And so it begins…

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Surfing the net the other day , trying to find the right words to express what I trully feel, I found this   great anonymous poem:

                                                                                     Daddy’s Heart

When I heard the news of you,
I did the things most Daddies do.
I opened up my heart so wide,
For you to have a place inside.

As each day passed, I’d think of you,
I’d watch you grow, I was expecting too!

I tried to imagine the person you’d be
Would you look or act like me?
I thought of the things that we would do,
The times we’d share, just us two.

I would give you piggyback rides,
Push your swing and watch you slide.
I would teach you how to ride a bike,
Catch your first ball and throw your first strike.

I would hold your hand in mine,
Be your protector, strong yet kind.
I would be your hero and friend,
Give love and advice on which you’d depend.

I will always remember the day you were born,
I cradled a miracle, small and warm.
What words I had were scarce and few,
A tear and a smile were the best I could do.

Life gave me a moment, precious and rare,
Bursting with pride, excitement and care.
I promised you then, all that I had,
See, you were my child and I was your Dad.

When I heard the news of you,
I did the things most Daddies do.
I opened my heart so wide,
Where you will always have a place inside.

 Simple , yet very powerful describes what is it that a single man can feel when inside our heart, the warm feeling of parenthood start to do its magic.

Around june 2010 , something started changing inside me. A new feeling started to take shape. At first I didn’t recognize it or didn’t acknowledge it but soon enough it all became clear. I wanted to be a daddy.

Thoughts and feelings at the beginning where like endless chains with no end and a very confusing beginning , but then I learned to organize them in order to understand them. I had only two clear things in my head: I was going to try it until something significant stopped me , and that my life was about to take the most amazing turn.

It is interesting how one thought caries you to the next one and then to the next one and so on. By the end of the day you have a unique ready to explode piñata of feelings and thoughts and none of them make any sense. An authentic avalanche that can overwhelm you when you least expect it.

I remember that emotions where bursting out of my being , it was interesting to feel and understand that this new “thing” was so big ,so important , so unique, so full of expectations …. but also so difficult , so heavy with responsibility and in the eyes of some… so selfish.

It took me several months to start doing something instead of just sitting there , waiting for the answers to arrive.

By december it was clear so I decided to tell mom and my sister. I can remember their reaction so clearly , it was like if I was telling them that I was already pregnant . I now understand this because I know that when a gay man comes out of the “closet”, people assume that the one thing he is giving up is parenthood.  Mom and my sister are like two beautiful painless strong growths attached to my whole being. We are like the 3 musketeers…always there for each other, loving in a uncoditional way by stripping out all the layers that makes us individual human beings. Is a blessing having them and being what we are , who we are when we are together. A great part of me going through on this journey is because  their support , love and confidence pushes me to discover new things , grab a taste of life , walking with my head up high , thinking and  wishing that everything is going to work out just fine.

The next step was to tell  my dear and closest friends… the remaining members of my family. Their reaction was as warm as moms and my sisters.

With all that support , how can anything go wrong? I felt that the intentions , thoughts and feelings were multiplied.

Now , the questions in my head were , How? when? where?….

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About ecaiozzi

I am Enzo , born and raised in Quito - Ecuador ( South America). When I was 16 the adventure of my life started when thanx to the support of my parents I left to ^Prince Edward Island, Canada. Stayed there for a year with the Wilsons ( You are always in my mind) and met some of the most special people in the world ( Yes Syl it is you ). After the exchange program was over I decided to stay in Canada so I moved to Toronto and started studying biotechnology research applied to genetics . Was never good at school but I sure made it very well through college. Came back to Ecuador in 2004 and started working at a family business oriented to the manufacture of chemical products , cosmetics and a manufacturer of different product for international corporations. I have been working there since then in the production department and also in the HQSE (Health, Quality, Safety and Environment) department. Around june 2010 , something started growing inside so by August I was sure I wanted to become a parent. Since then , I have been through he most amazing journey that I am trying to share with you. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have, and most important of all I hope that other intending parents can realize that there are ways to make your dreams come true. All you need is love , determination and lots of information and support. Hopefully this blog will make a little change in someone's life , small changes are sometimes the most important ones. I heard this quote on a TV program ( not the best source for a quote) , and for sure it describes the way I want to feel: " Adapt or die. As many times as we've heard it, the lesson doesn't get easier. The problem is we're human. We want more than just to survive. We want love. We want success. We want to be the best that we can be. So, we fight like hell to get those things. Anything else feels like death." Thanx for reading...

10 responses »

  1. hey, you have answered the most important question which is WHAT? whaT YOU WANT BASICALLY AND THAT IS A GOOD PLACE TO start, i e knowing what you want. goodluck!!!! you are on the right path

  2. Dear Enzo, sorry for writing in Spanish, but I can’t find a way to translate Serrat’s words:

    “A menudo los hijos se nos parecen,
    asi nos dan la primera satisfacción;
    esos que se menean con nuestros gestos,
    echando mano a cuanto hay a su alrededor.”

    Y ahora sí mi comentario: el niño que viene es muy afortunado porque se parecerá a su VALIENTE padre.
    Es un don invaluable tener certeza de lo que se espera de la vida, pero más importante es estar dispuesto a hacer lo necesario (siempre lícito y honesto se entiende) para conseguirlo.
    Con profundo respeto, tu permiso, el de Alex, tu mami y tu queridísima hermana, me siento orgulloso de tí.

    • Mi Querido Diego, muchisimas gracias por tu hermoso mensaje. La verdad me encanta la forma en la que tus palabras llegan.
      Sabes? creo que tu siendo uun padre de hijos tan increibles , sientes cada dia ese sentimiento calido en tu interior . Es ese sentimiento el que me hizo tomar este camino , sabiendo que habran tiempos dificiles pero que la mayoria del tiempo es el mejor camino de todos.
      Gracias por compartir su amistad con nosotros , son personas demasiado valiosas.
      Espero que cada dia encuentren como familia la fuerza para ser felices y superar todos los obstaculos que se presenten.
      Una vez mas gracias , de seguro se estaran presentes en nuestras vidas siempre.
      Un abrazo.

    • Amigo querido…te agradezco infinitamente por tus hermosas palabras y deseos.
      Tu, Carlita y mis pequeñitos son divinos y como dice mi Ñaño, son y serán parte de nuestras vidas.
      Muchas bendiciones para los cuatro y que su hogar esté simpre colmado de felicidad, unión y estabilidad…se merecen lo mejor!!!
      Les queremos mucho mucho, es una fortuna tenerlos cerca.
      Daniela.

  3. Hi Enzo, thanks by sharing this feelings with us. I’m pretty sure that the upcoming baby will enjoy the life as marvelous as your family is. Deserve you all the best in this initial period and you can be sure that the upcoming time together with your kid will be the best reward on the planet.

    Since there is not a lot of baseball players here in Ecuador i hope you keep me in mind in order to help your son to catch his first ball and throw his first strike.

    All the best to you both and keep posting.
    Your cuban neighbor

    • Dear Dimas ,
      Thank you very much for your kind and true words. You are rigth , one thing is certain for me and that is that my baby is going to grow in a loving home, with a nice family and surrounded by friends like you and your familly that will provide all the love that he/she will need.
      What would life be without family and friends? This is a question that I ask myself over and over and I keep getting the same answer… if we feel complete by being an individual , why not allow others to be part of it?
      Dont worry , my baby will play throw and catch with you… I will take you up on that.
      Thank you and your lovely family for being part of this journey, for sure life has lots of surprises for all of us.
      By the way… you are my favourite cuban neigthbor !!!! hahahaha

  4. MY LOVE,I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT WRITING, BUT I FEEL TODAY IS THE PERFECT DAY,I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU, YOU ARE AN SPECIAL AND WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING,IT IS A BLESS TO BE YOUR MAMY,
    I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY SOUL.

    • Mamita!! Que hermoso tu comentario.
      I am the luckiest men alive , not just because of this journey but also because I have the trust , support and endless love of you and Chochi and the little Angels. This journey is all because every day you inspire me to give all the love that I can to this human being that is coming. You are my inspiration , thanx for being such a great mother and a outstanding woman.

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